Girls Will Be Boys: Why Women Should Drink Scotch

Ma'am, may I offer you a scotch?

Girls will be boys - so listen up ladies (and watch this video first), I am about to impart some much needed social knowledge.....
There are certain rules of engagement during a typical "executive dinner" that are, for the most part, unspoken. In my humble experience, I have only attented a few dinners of this nature while either tagging along with my dad in D.C., or while schmoozing through various gala events which basically meant I had to dress up and listen to some yahoo talking to me about the "market" or ferragamo loafers.

However little experience I may or may not have, I have learned one particularly important lesson, women: learn to like and drink copious amounts of scotch, and never, ever let anyone know you are actually drunk.

You may be asking yourself, why on earth should I teach myself to digest this caramel colored, funky-smelling, fire water? Ladies, don't fool yourself, scotch is definitely an acquired taste, and to save you time and energy I will outline why it is important to learn to drink like a man, and what types of said "man-drinks" to guide you on this power journey.


First things first, if you know your shit about scotch, and are called to the carpet by some business exec at any of the above mentioned functions, he will immediately be a) turned on and b) respect you more. This intrisict knowledge of powerful flavor profiles, high alcohol percentage, and appreciation of a man-appreciated liquid will make you more appealing than you may understand.

Moving on from this faux-sociological rant, I will now guide my lady readers on to a path of unrequited drinking success. And trust me when I say, it will be a long, bumpy road - have faith, it will pay off.

Dirty mouth? Drink up!

Here is my list of scotch levels for women to cut their teeth on, and one day soon, you too may find yourself at a scotch tasting and actually enjoy it:

1. The basics: Glenlivet 12 or 15

Scotch is like wine, the older it is, the better it tastes and the more money you'll spend per 200% mark-up at any restaurant. The Glenlivet is like a solid wine spritzer you would order from say, Houstons or Chops.

2. Mid-range, but still very safe: McCallan's 15 or 18

Sit your happy self down at any bar in the city, surrounded by hot yuppies (probably not Christian Grey - but we can only hope), order this on the rocks and feel free to thank me later. As I am sure that you will get hit on by a) the bartender (male or female) b) yuppies on both sides of you or c) that old  rich dude in the corner who just noticed you because you ordered a legitimate single malt scotch. If you wench or smack your lips together when this bad boy goes down - it will mean you need to go back to basics.

3. Oban 14 or Dalwhinnie 15

Welcome to the ladies club aka grown.ass.woman! You may now claim that you not only like to drink scotch, but have learned of scotch's beautiful qualities and explored all shapes and sizes in your path to social business success. These two listed are my personal favorites (along with the Glenlivet Nadura), which I actually enjoy drinking and not just for show. The Dalwhinnie is really nice because it also comes in a variety that is distilled via sherry oak casks, which adds a really sweet finish - but beware, it will give you a nasty headache in the morning.

Alright, I could continue on about this for hours, but I think you get it. Ladies - if you find that you still can't stand the sight, smell or taste of single malt scotch, do yourself a favor and at least drink dry martini's (Belvedere, Hanger One, or Kettle One) with olives. I wouldn't want you to be ignored or treated like an assistant in a man's world. Oh, and don't tell me this article is sexist - because it is, and I don't care. Cheers!

P.S. If you do like scotch and are ITP (inside the perimeter) hit this place up for an amazing scotch tasting! http://www.baraondaatlanta.com/news .... Just try not to end up looking like this guy.